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Posted on April 1st, 2014

Outside the Box – Clean Water is for Hippies

What do we have kidneys for if it isn’t to process waste? All the hubbub about the need for clean drinking water is ridiculous. If I can put down a Big Mac, McBLT, a quarter-pounder with some cheese, filet-of-fish, a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a Happy Meal (you know how the songs goes), then why do I need “fresh” water? After all, those fish are pooping in our rivers, and the bears are backwashing every time they get a drink, so it ain’t that clean to start! Sure, sure, the water goes through treatment plants and the hippies and hipsters have their fancy filters, but that’s all just a craze; simply wasted money on accessories to look cool. We don’t need water filters any more than we need 600-hp cars or 60” TVs. Clean water is an unnecessary luxury, straight out of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Next thing you know rappers will be rappin’ about their gold water filters – that’s when you’ll know we don’t need clean water.

Five million people live in the basin of the Citarum River, and not one of them is complaining about their water source being the most polluted in the world. 60-cm color image captured by QuickBird and comes courtesy of DigitalGlobe. Data collected December 4, 2008 and photo enhanced by Apollo Mapping.

After all, the Ganges River is the most sacred river to people of the Hindu faith; and the people that live near it dump their sewage in it, bathe in it, go to the bathroom in it and whatever else you can imagine. They don’t use no Pur filter when they’re thirsty. But that’s a million miles away from us; let’s talk about something a little closer to home: our invasive, authoritative government and their decrees to the citizens of these United States that we must have clean drinking water. In 1974, Congress passed the Safe Drinking Water Act; talk about waste! You gonna tell me the water we’d been drinking since 1776 was bad for us? Hell no! This is just another ploy by Big Brother to toe the line and spend more money on stuff we don’t need. Next thing you know, they’ll say we should conserve energy. I tell you what…

It all started with those damn hippies back in the ‘60s. They wanted equality, safety and accountability for everyone. Well, you know they were putting LSD in their Kool-Aid, right? That should be proof right there that we shouldn’t trust them. My steak sauce is brown, my beer is brown, my urine is brown and dammit, so should my water! Clean water is for hippies!

April Fools – haha!

Justin Harmon
Staff Writer

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