I often wonder if I ever really know what I “want.” I go about life as if I do in all matter of things, but the adage, “be careful what you wish for, it may just come true” seems to follow me around, too. I also have a very self-destructive streak in me that I haven’t been able to shake since grade school, so that doesn’t help things at all. For me, I get these dreamy visions in my head of desires and possibilities, and more often than not, they don’t come to fruition (e.g., becoming an amazing drummer, or traveling around the country climbing all the best routes). Mostly, I strike this up to laziness – some things just take too much effort (or money), and/or the learning curve is too long. Sadly, many of us don’t start things (or see them through) because we’re put off by the chase for accomplishment and competency when we should instead be with trying to enjoy whatever we can make of it.

Previously, I’d mentioned this gal I’ve been dating, going on five months now, and by and large, it’s going very well. Nonetheless, on occasion, I’ll find myself questioning if I really want to get tangled up in a serious relationship – not because of anything specific about her per se, but simply because I’ve gotten used to flying solo and coupling up when it’s convenient for me for short-term affairs only. But even as I allow these thoughts to drift into my head, I realize that I’m foolishly questioning a good thing. Relationships come with compromise and require a willingness to check one’s ego, something that doesn’t come naturally to me, though.

Sometimes I overthink things and it’s not to my advantage. (Image comes courtesy of cottonbro studio and was retrieved from here.)

On a few occasions I’ve found myself jumping the gun to get frustrated about, admittedly, ticky-tacky nonsense from her/between us – none of which was directed at me, mind you, yet I still interpret the comments/actions as an indictment of me in some petty way. When I allow myself to think about these circumstances rationally, I realized how foolish they are. I also think/know that everyone is allowed to have a bad day/be off their game/overstep from time-to-time, and approaching those you love with appreciation and grace in these matters (or all matters, really) is the best course of action. But I’m stubborn and can be quite judgmental, delivering verdicts quickly and without consideration.

Several years ago, I came up with a “mantra” of sorts, sloppily handwritten on a piece of paper and clipped to the bottom of my calendar next to the door I come and go from several times a day. It reads, “Life will be more enjoyable if I assume good intent from others; if I only observe and not judge others; and if I slow down and be more patient.” I firmly believe these all to be true. I also fail at all of them almost daily. But I try to do better. It’s often a slow and aggravating process. And most importantly, I’m trying to have this be my default setting with the gal I’ve been dating – and I think I’ve mostly done well in this regard, but there have been a few slip-ups along the way. Such is life.

But my point isn’t really about her at all – it’s about me and how I seemingly never know what I really want or if I truly want anything at all. I have indulgences, but it seems most things I desire for I lose interest in eventually. This could be a bicycle, a shirt, a place, a band, but mostly it’s rooted in this protective shell I’ve built around myself and my attempts at keeping my life as predictable and on my schedule as possible – so, usually, it’s about people. You see, I love routines, and while that has greatly enhanced my life in many ways, I don’t doubt my rigid adherence to them has disrupted it greatly, too. It’s a bit of a Catch-22. Sometimes relationships suffer. I’m trying to not make this be the case here.

At this point, I have no doubt that you’re wondering whether I’m wavering about this gal and our potential future together – not at all, honestly. Even as I allow my mind to wander into those dark crevasses where I question what and who is worth it or not, at least so far with her, I’ve crawled out of them, and fairly quickly. I imagine I’ve just gotten so used to things on my terms all the time that I’m just recalibrating. That’s probably a good thing, but I wish it would go a little more smoothly at times.

I remember several decades ago I briefly dated this gal named Dana – on paper, and in real life, she was everything a guy could hope for, but I sabotaged it pretty swiftly. I recall asking myself late one night as she lay asleep beside me, “Is the pain of the love I’ll lose one day worth the joy I have now?” I answered “no,” and the end soon came. But why did I even ask such a question in the first place?

I’m considering that question again with a different gal and I hope I make a better choice this time around. But I go back to one of the earliest things I said to her and that I titled a recent entry: Hope & Possibility. I’ve found if/when I reorient back to that I sort out my moorings and bearings pretty quickly and that’s when I most realize how lucky I am and how I should try not to mess this up. I hope she expends equal effort for the same goal. ☺

Marco Esquandoles
My Own Worst Enemy